hutch :: journal: yuna needs me

May 22, 2004

yuna needs me

haven't written anything down in a while cause i haven't had much to say. well, that and i'm borrowing final fantasy X from jeff. he gave me his old, broken PS2 and i fixed it. Now i have another way to waste my day -- which, i guess, isn't really a waste if i enjoy it.

i said to gos earlier today, if i had to go back to school tommorow, i wouldn't. i'd take a semester off. who knows, it's probably just be burn out, but more and more i've been starting to reconsider my path, so to speak. would i really enjoy the jobs i'd get with a bachelor's in CS? i love to program and play with computers... but i'm having a hard time getting just one fucking web page done. sure, i take adderall to focus and motivate myself and what have you.. but should it really be that hard? it shouldn't, right?

i know no one wants to get up in the morning and go to work. my dad always says it's the hardest part of the day. but he's only missed something like 3 or 4 days of work in 24 or 25 years!!

so maybe i'm just doing the wrong shit. i think about it, and how bad of a life would it really be just working some menial job to pay the bills and having my free time to myself? is having a shit job and shit pay worth being able to leave the work at work and forget about it when you're home? when it comes down to it, unless you're really lucky, no matter what you're doing work becomes work. it's not gonna be any more fun than any other equally paying, monotonous task they'd give me at a job that just required a few certifications and a few years climbing the ladder.

jesus, they both sound like nightmares. why can't i just run a record label... or not even run it.. just scout musicians. sit around and listen to tapes all day. maybe have a little side band that gets a bit of acclaim in a few indie mags. tour once every few years... my dream life.

so anyway, i was gonna do web design all summer to make some dough and pay off my debt from going to europe last summer and save up enough to move out in august. i had this great money making scheme, too. but... then i ran outta adderall. and i didn't care anymore. so priority one is get this one client's page done. i've been working on it since fucking october, but the guy keeps changing the project. if anyone cares to see it, it's here, but, y'know... it's a work in progress. a lot of shit doesn't work and a lot of shit isn't in place. but whatever. i'm better than you are so why am i defending myself.

anyhow, i gotta get that done, make some price and product updates on my dad's page and then... i think ima try to get a "real job". a 9-5er. i've been updating my resume and ima send it out to a few temp agencies, see what turns up, if only get this debt-monkey off my back and get the fuck out of this house.

i'm entirely open to the possibility that a large portion of my depression and work-fatigue is just from being wayyyyy more than ready to move out and start my own life. i love my parents, they're cool as shit, and i get away with whatever i want... but as dan put it the other day "always having to answer to somebody" is a real fucking drain. if i want to be lazy and irresponsible one day, i don't need to hear about it. i know when i'm being lazy and irresponsible and being berated for it has never changed my desire to behave otherwise. there's a lot to be said for making your own mistakes and learning from them. especially without someone saying "i told you so" afterwards.

so yeah. gotta get out. gotta pay the debt. gotta somehow renew my interest in training and credentials--- er... i mean higher education mumble mumble stupid bullshit mumble...

Posted by John.H at May 22, 2004 05:26 AM

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you are right about the idea that no matter what you do it's gonna suck. I guess there's a few exceptions, like lottery winner or super successful artist....i think it all comes down to the fact that the reward for all that work is money. That's all you get. Fucking money. You don't work for the satisfaction of doing something important or making a contribution to society or your community or whatever. You know? There's no sense of pride, because chances are your job is meaningless and you're only doing it because you're backed into a corner. So you know, we just load up on drugs and, for awhile, everything feels alright.

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i know what you mean. i have one thing against me: our router here at my new non-campus cush job blocks email sites. no yahoo mail, hotmail or duophone mail. :( sorry i haven't responded. i hate this job. i hate you. :)

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