hutch :: journal: siblings are largely underrated and unappreciated

June 04, 2004

siblings are largely underrated and unappreciated

When I look at my life I see a fork in the road and I'm standing right in the middle of it. One road leads to the family life, something I'd never imagined wanting until I met Gos. The other is what I guess I'd call the spiritual road; that is, one of self-discovery and self-experession; chasing my dreams, regardless of the outcome. The problem is that of choice. Of blacks and whites. My dad has always said there's no gray with me, and he's right. I'm hoping in time I can prove him wrong cause I'm finding the two road irreconcilable.

I'm probably just blowing things out of proportion but I really feel a sense of urgency about this all. Last semester was terrible. I don't want to go back. But if I want a family with Gosia, I don't want to be a drag on her. I don't want to be some kind of lazy, deadbeat Dad that Gos has to support in addition to the kids. No one wants to be that guy. So college is the thing. I can't go soul searching. I can't focus on starting my life and moving forward till I get this bullshit out of the way. And then what? If I'm gonna have kids I don't want to be a geezer father that can't relate to them. That gives me only a few short years to be my own man. And it's not like college is about the job or the drive for knowledge any more. It's just a bigger salary and more job opprotunities.

Finish school, get a boring 9-5 programming job in an office = salary to support wife and kids.

Don't finish school, try to make it in the creative world = bum.

Then regret comes in. Will a regret chosing one road or the other? Will I end up resenting Gosia and our kids 10, 15 years down the line? Will I end up getting fed up and leaving and becoming a real deadbeat dad? What if I don't go that route... will I ever stop thinking about the girl and the life I destroyed on some ill-conceived idea about somehow "making it"? I doubt it. I'd have to be a masochist to take that road. But it's still there, staring me in the face.

So the question I'm left asking myself over and over and over is: How do i reconcile these two different people I want to be?

I can't be alone in this. I know there's gotta be someone reading going through or that has gone through the same shit, right?

Posted by John.H at June 4, 2004 06:51 AM

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Here's what I think, John:

Choosing between one or the other is taking the easy way out, which will inevitably lead to a clash of ideals in the future. This isn't a situation of being two different people and how to reconcile opposing desires...because what you want doesn't really conflict. They just happen to have nothing to do with each other. It's a question of how badly do you want either of these things, and how much effort are you going to put into making them work. It's easy (well, not that easy) to fall into a 9-5 programming job that makes money but leaves much to be desired artistically. It takes a little more work to find a lucrative profession that also satisfies your creative impulses, or to straddle that programming job and being creative in your spare time. It's possible, it's just not easy. Believe me, nobody hates this fact more than me. It totally fucking sucks. Being an artist of any sort SHOULD be an option in terms of professions. But this is fucking America, and you know what matters to us $$$$$$$$!!!!! You can do both John, you just gotta jump through a few more hoops, and if you want it bad enough you'll do what you gotta do to make it happen.

I hope i didn't just come off like Bill O'Reilly. I'm certainly not a proponent of individualism. But realistically, within the context of this bullshit system, it really is up to you alone to make things happen. Be happy you're a middle class white kid. :)

Posted by: Nick Rossi at June 21, 2004 10:52 AM

i feel ya john, i have the same thoughts. I have this girl that i know i want to marry but i know there is no possible way for her to be able to support me with her career if i go full out on the artistic movie making route. So i have to work two things, i have to be the responsible man, get a job doing something i hate just to support the family and then use my free time to try and get this movie thing going. I could pick one road or the other. But i think i am going to try my hardest to walk the middle ground for as long as possible. If i can work this writing/directing thing into making money thats great. then i will just have to work on something else.

Posted by: Matt at June 9, 2004 04:07 PM

i don't doubt that i will. and i am! but again, other people tend to make things more interesting. particularly when you care about them and put their happiness ahead of yours.

Posted by: John at June 9, 2004 01:57 AM

there's always a grey area. and you're young and stupid (we all are), so you'll figure it out eventually. even if eventually is 30 years from now, you'll be happy.

Posted by: mandy at June 8, 2004 01:37 PM

i should clarify that it's not so much choosing this road or that that's nagging me. i chose a long time ago.

it's more about reconciliation. how to have my cake and eat it, too? it frustrates me that there seems to only be two roads. that there is no gray area.

i'd really like to find the gray area, and i'd like to find it without being a drag on gosia, the single most important thing in my life.

Posted by: John at June 6, 2004 02:43 AM

I definitely feel what you're going through on this one. I'm not with anyone now, and I'm not really tempted to settle down at the moment by anyone in particular, but i still feel the pull from the idea of a normal life and a suburban setup. The last time i had a serious relationship, i was ready to stop fucking around and forget the dream. i was set with getting married and having kids and biting the bullet to be a bread winner and be responsible. obviously, that relationship ended and in some ways dramatically impacted my mind and my life in general. if you asked me right now, id say "fuck the normal life, theres something better waiting for me". when youre looking at your life in retrospect about a failed relationship, its easy to say "wow! i couldve made a horrible mistake, settling down with her...look how everything turned out." and thats how i generally see it. i still meet nice girls tho, and start having the urge to settle down. sometimes i think ive subconsciously sabotaged alot of relationships, romantic and platonic(or just allowed the other person to fuck things up), so i dont get trapped into normalcy and wake up in 40 years and blow my head off because im so disgusted by what ive become. (forgive me, im rambling) i guess it seems that i lean toward the dream ideology. im planning to go back to school, but i hope i dont have to. im taking a large amount of time off, so i can pursue music, so i know i took like a year and put everything i had into it. i personally would rather be a bum, than sell my dreams to a corporate lifestyle. and my wording is rather loaded there, so take it with a grain of salt. from where i stand, you and i, john, are very different people. then again, i dont know you as well as id like, so i could be completely wrong, and we might be more alike than it seems. personally, i see the college/family and career route as a safety net. i dont think the person i am and will become, could ever be satisfied by a standard factory-made life. so if i chose that route, it would be as much a gamble as going after my dreams. i could live a normal life and most likely crash and burn by getting older and resenting my life, just as i could go the other way and get eaten alive by the politics surrounding my dreams. so im not really telling you what to do, or exactly what im doing, im just sharing my perspective, and the thinking ive done thus far. this is the kind of discussion that could go on forever, but i think both of us could benefit from trading our views. i hope this helped at all.

Posted by: ted at June 5, 2004 02:55 AM

there is always the question of "what if i took the other road?" everyone goes through it, everyone asks it. you'll never know the answer, so never regret what you haven't done.

regrets are bullshit.

Posted by: mandy at June 4, 2004 05:06 PM