We just got wireless. I'm sitting in my backyard on a beautiful day barbeque-ing some ribs and frying up some hot wings while listening to regina spektor streamed from my iTunes upstairs.
it doesn't get much better than this.
time to check on the wings.
not crispy enough.
anyhow, at the moment... i really got no complaints. i know i come on here and whine a lot, but really that's mostly cause when it's good, i just silently acknoledge it to myself and keep on enjoying myself. no sense in disturbing a good thing by running up to my cave and talking to the internet.
more people should read kurt vonnegut. i've been pretty obsessive lately. in particular, his most recent little semi-novel, that catalogs a series of fictional near-death experiences where he converses with philosphers, scientists, and regular folk beyond the pearly gates. one thing he said that really struck me, and i'm paraphrasing here, is that people are generally quite happy. even those taking medication for depression. it's just that we often fail to acknowledge to ourselves when it's good. In that respect, i think i've always been pretty different from the population. I know this cause i've been yelled at countless times for the trivial and boring comments i've made about how nice a day it is or how nice the sound of the wind through the trees are.
maybe it's just that it doesn't take much with me.
kinda odd that most of the things that really pick me up don't involve other people. but eh, i'd rather not think about my social shortcomings, let alone write about them. not right now, anyhow.
---------
i spent a good deal of time adding a bunch of jazz standards and classics to my amazon wishlist. it all started with hearing a piece by my favorite pianist of all time, bill evans, called "re: person i knew". if you've got nothing to do, head over to amazon and listen to the preview they've got. it's on the moon.... something.. or another... album.
ay! my wings!
nm. they're just right. time to eat!
haven't written anything down in a while cause i haven't had much to say. well, that and i'm borrowing final fantasy X from jeff. he gave me his old, broken PS2 and i fixed it. Now i have another way to waste my day -- which, i guess, isn't really a waste if i enjoy it.
i said to gos earlier today, if i had to go back to school tommorow, i wouldn't. i'd take a semester off. who knows, it's probably just be burn out, but more and more i've been starting to reconsider my path, so to speak. would i really enjoy the jobs i'd get with a bachelor's in CS? i love to program and play with computers... but i'm having a hard time getting just one fucking web page done. sure, i take adderall to focus and motivate myself and what have you.. but should it really be that hard? it shouldn't, right?
i know no one wants to get up in the morning and go to work. my dad always says it's the hardest part of the day. but he's only missed something like 3 or 4 days of work in 24 or 25 years!!
so maybe i'm just doing the wrong shit. i think about it, and how bad of a life would it really be just working some menial job to pay the bills and having my free time to myself? is having a shit job and shit pay worth being able to leave the work at work and forget about it when you're home? when it comes down to it, unless you're really lucky, no matter what you're doing work becomes work. it's not gonna be any more fun than any other equally paying, monotonous task they'd give me at a job that just required a few certifications and a few years climbing the ladder.
jesus, they both sound like nightmares. why can't i just run a record label... or not even run it.. just scout musicians. sit around and listen to tapes all day. maybe have a little side band that gets a bit of acclaim in a few indie mags. tour once every few years... my dream life.
so anyway, i was gonna do web design all summer to make some dough and pay off my debt from going to europe last summer and save up enough to move out in august. i had this great money making scheme, too. but... then i ran outta adderall. and i didn't care anymore. so priority one is get this one client's page done. i've been working on it since fucking october, but the guy keeps changing the project. if anyone cares to see it, it's here, but, y'know... it's a work in progress. a lot of shit doesn't work and a lot of shit isn't in place. but whatever. i'm better than you are so why am i defending myself.
anyhow, i gotta get that done, make some price and product updates on my dad's page and then... i think ima try to get a "real job". a 9-5er. i've been updating my resume and ima send it out to a few temp agencies, see what turns up, if only get this debt-monkey off my back and get the fuck out of this house.
i'm entirely open to the possibility that a large portion of my depression and work-fatigue is just from being wayyyyy more than ready to move out and start my own life. i love my parents, they're cool as shit, and i get away with whatever i want... but as dan put it the other day "always having to answer to somebody" is a real fucking drain. if i want to be lazy and irresponsible one day, i don't need to hear about it. i know when i'm being lazy and irresponsible and being berated for it has never changed my desire to behave otherwise. there's a lot to be said for making your own mistakes and learning from them. especially without someone saying "i told you so" afterwards.
so yeah. gotta get out. gotta pay the debt. gotta somehow renew my interest in training and credentials--- er... i mean higher education mumble mumble stupid bullshit mumble...
So i've survived another year. I certainly don't feel any older. i got a ton of books from friends and family. a whole box full. so i'll be able to spend my summer days in the hot, sticky, rank air of my bedroom in seclusion.
i saw american splendor. then i got the book. y'know, the whole compendium thing you can get at barnes and noble. most of these stories are realistic, truthful, and subversively hopeful; just the day to day struggles of an anytown everyman. "none of that idealized bullshit," as harvey pekar, the author, put it.
and i get it, i really do. i'm right there with him. but when i put that book down, man, do i ever feel like shit. here's a guy who had nothing but failure and misery most of his life living in cleaveland, of all places, who manages to keep going every day; to get out of bed, make breakfast, and not kill himself. i probably shouldnt' find that impressive but i do. the one comic that struck me the hardest was just him and his thoughts on a monday morning. waking up tense and nervous and jerking off to try to feel a bit better, only to feel empty afterwards. being unable to get out of the tub. not wanting to go to work. hating his breakfast. hating the people on the way to work.
but he still goes. and manages to cheer himself up, on top of that.
so why can't i? i've got it so much better. work is generally fun for me. i have a car and an ipod to keep me warm and entertained. i don't even really have to work when i get there. just pay attention.
i had a one credit java course this semester. there were two assignments: one program for the midterm, and an advanced version of it for the final. we've been given a large majority of the code. the due dates have been repeatedly extended. the final one is due tommorow.
i've done neither.
i could do them right now. i'd have them done by sun rise at the latest.
but i'm not doing them. and i'm not planning on doing them. as soon as i start thinking about doing them, i'm overcome with a sort of anxious, fearful depression. it's probably some kinda fear of failure or something, but i don't even want to get into that. it's much simpler to just label it as laziness, which, no matter what, it is, and berate myself for it.
if i could figure out what it is that i need -- that's holding me back -- i'd do it in a second. my life is sorely lacking in something. i think "adventure" is a too vague but it's in the ballpark. writing like this always makes me feel better. but it's only for a bit. the same shit keep happening and i'm no further along.
i just wish the solution were more obvious.
maybe i should just go play counterstrike. i could play it for hours at a time without worrying. at least i'm good at that.
it could be worse. i spent my evening on a comfortable leather couch with my beautiful and loving girlfriend drinking decent beer and watching a movie. it seems like a lot of people would really envy a guy for a night like that. i know i would.
so why am i still so unhappy?
school is certainly a huge part of it. i really want out. i want it out of my life. i want a day job with a night hobby and a steady income with no worries. i want daily stresses that don't matter. i want to be able to resolve conflicts with my parents by hanging up the phone. i'm tired of being a little kid.
dear god am i miserable.
i have such a hard time telling the truth. i so deperately want to be liked. even if it means lying to people all the time. some would call this selling out. i'd have to agree with them. why must i always pretend to be amused and laugh at their bad jokes. i'm so sick of it all the day-to-day bullshit. maybe if i go just be myself and speak my mind without guilt or worry every day, i wouldn't mind being at rowan.
i'll probably oversleep my final tommorow. luna will end up calling me, getting me out of bed, and i'll be subconciously mad at him all day for saving my ass and being the responsible adult i wish i could be.
it has been suggested that i should go put on automatic for the people. the whole album. and not fall asleep. i think i may take his advice.
isn't anyone else screaming for a little more adventure and excitement in their lives? Or am i crazy?