Yesterday I applied at Guitar Center and Sam Ash - for any position -
then I spent a few hours recording MORNINGSTAR
today I'm going to phily to record / arrange / edit techno stuff with Joey G
then I'm gcoming back home to do more recording / mixing for John Miles
hooray for recording!
I think we lost an hour not gained one. - Today just feels very different - I know it's 6:28 and it's supposed to feel like 7:28 but it feels like 9:28 - so what the hell happened?
Tried to find a job but instead I went to the diner with ted and looked out the window at the rain and watched the sky get darker - then I lost all hope and fled home to sleep.
then I woke up at what I thought was ten to see that it was 5:15.
during that time I had a dream in which I was riding a bike through Luke's neighborhood and I came up to that shoprite and was like oh no wrong turn so I went back in and drove around and then came to another shopping center one I've never been to before and I got stuck in a corner so I was going to hop the fence but on the other side was this distribution / recieving for the shopping center so I didn't want to go in there - opun retreating I was met by a security guard who didn't say anything - I got up on the bike and asked him how to get to the black horse pike and he just pointed - so I went - and then I ended up at this house where there was a party so I went in - but apparently it was a close party less than ten people and everyone knew each other it was some kid's birthday and his parents were home and the offfered me a beer but I knew one kid so he's sitting at the keg and these two girls walk up and they're just waiting for it - they're only there to dirnk they don't really want to hang out here and i'm not even supposed to be here at all - then me and this one girl akwardly stand there facing each other, waiting for the other one to say something while having nothing to say so we go around the wall and the corner but meet up again cause we went on our opposite sides then we get away from each other and the kid's dad sees the whole thing and thinks something is funny - on the way out I see this guy that I haven't seen since high school - he looked just like ryan young but he was 80 years old - and in fact it was ryan young but not the one I know - he was the one from early high school back when i didn't know him - the OLD ryan young - so i fucking left
as I was getting back on the bike I somehow has twice as much luggage and as i was driving away i made eye contact with two new comers - lisa brassil and elieen brennan - i stopped and i said hi and they were like oh wow where did you come from and we did some chit chat for a minute and then i start to leave - then ammar comes over and says hi and i see stefan and someone else way behind - but I was really self conscious about something and I didn't want them to see me like this so I asked ammar to pretend he didn't see me and then i left the scene.
then i woke up feeling like it was really late
but then it was only 5:15
MTV.com - News -Singer/Songwriter Elliott Smith Dead, An Apparent Suicide
Brandon just called me two minutes ago and said that ammar told him - so I looked it up and yeah it's true. He slit his wrist.
It seems like everything centers around ted or gosia and john
I miss being the center of attention - not that I ever was but I might have
anyway
it feels like i'm not as important anymore - like "everyone else's problems are more important than mine" - do I even have any problems anymore? I've been thinking so much about ted or john and gosia that I kinda forgot about myself.
there i am!
there i'm not...
here i am!
here i'm not...
where am i?
where i'm not
there I am!
there you're not
It's actually sort of a relief... how i'm so wrapped up in external things that I spend less time introspecting - I feel like having an active role in someone else's problems could be more useful than sitting around thinking about what's wrong with me... is there anything wrong with me?
actually no
unless if you percieve there to be - then i'll agree with you to see where it takes us
what's the use of the hypothetical situations that I love creating - i frequently daydream about bieng in a conflict and thinking about how i could react - it's almost like i'm planning out my court defense in the mirror minutes before going before the jury - only to improvise the speech when it comes down to it.
your current self has more experience than the past self who made the plan that the self today must live by - this is why improvising is necessary
i'm screaming for attention - but on the outside i'm trying to have less and less talking about me. I've learned from experience that the introverts have it best when it comes to staying out of trouble - they also deal with problems internally instead of avoiding the subject by telling the problem to someone else.
I love being that someone else -
because i've talked about so many problems that no one has stepped up to actually help - even though i thank all for listening - i've always wanted someone to help - but now i accept who i've become and can now start avoiding my "problems" and try seeing what happens when working on the problems that I really have nothing to do with.... it gives me something to do I guess -
I like doing for others what I wish was done for me
i'm not a leader i'm a follower
if life was a chess game i would not be a chess player, but one of the chess pieces
meanwhile on the inside i'm plotting my ultimate revenge on the entire world
until then
i have come to serve not to be served
Here is an excerpt of the curremt chapter of our soap opear, along with my reactions intertwined. This is a comment in John's journal written by steve stetson in reaction to something ted said or done as well as a defense / explaination of his part in the "john and gosia situation".
This message appears in original form, but I have deleted some portions of background stories, personal defense statements, and applied some formatting to certain words or phrases or modifiers that I found to be interesting.
-------------
[..]
i cant really say that this whole thing is none of your business, because both john and i have volunteered our feelings, emotions, etc to any and all who wish to read.
[..]
secondly, john, [..] should know that i initially had no idea that you and gosia were together. i was eventually told that you were together and had been for quite a long time.
i certainly have never seriously considered tearing apart a relationship before, and i didnt want to start now.
[..]
i too was in an extremely commited relationship with a girl i swore up until a couple months ago that i was going to marry, no matter how many times we didnt get along. [..] the girl that gave me 'options' as you put it. so believe me, when i say i know how you feel about gosia.
furthermore, i know what it is like to be kicked when you're down, and to have the vultures circling above. ted allen was one of those vultures. my girlfriend too was very friendly with all the guys, especially with ted. i was always suspucious. again, especially with ted.
[..]
i had been cheated on a couple times, and have had zero luck with girls since i broke up with my girlfriend. so since i didnt know you, i figured fuck it, im tired of being the nice guy. im sorry you were the guy i chose to screw over. but to be perfectly fair, nothing ever came close to ever happening between myself and gosia, besides a couple of looks across the room and a short conversation. christ, i couldnt even figure out her name for most of last week.
[..]
( this is where it gets really good )
now as for my dear friend ted allen, who you seem to have suddenly befriended and entrusted. let me warn you now that he will lie right to your face about not only his intentions, but also his interactions with your girlfriend. he had done so with me, numerous times now, and a small handful of his other close 'frends'.
two weeks after my 'technical' break-up, and after several proclaimatins that he 'would never do that to a friend', he fucked her.
[..]
he offered support to my face, but as soon as i turned around, he was back in bed with her. this is just one, like i said, of a handful of cases. and that is only with me. he has repeatedly double-crossed and stabbed his friends in the back by sleeping not just with our recent x-girlfriends, but girls we were truly in love with.
and i make no jokes when i describe ted's childish, 'flirty' behavior with girls. just because he says he does it with all girls, does not make it excuseable. "i never particularly had active thoughts in my mind about 'stealing her'." read that carefully, a quote from ted on your blog. his blatant lies are even littered with near political-speak. "particularly". "active thoughts". i guess that is in direct contrast to his 'inactive thoughts' about her. he is a liar. im not going to be some preachy authoritarian know-it-all and tell you to never talk to ted and to lock up gosia in a box in argentina, but i am telling you as a man with a girlfriend who you obviously love, be very careful how close you let ted in. he has yet to suffer the consequences of his continued lying, cheating, and general dishonest, immature, and morally inexcuseable behavior towards so many of his so-called friends, but i am going to rectify that.
( now to the main point )
ted, this is a promise, and im posting it here for all to read: i am coming after you, whether you're ready for it or not. you can bring all your friends armed with samuri skateboards, for all i care. if you need 10 guys to beat the shit out of me. fine. but i'll heal, and then i'll be right back. so i suggest you just go toe to toe with me, and i get a little revenge for all the shit you've done to so many of us.
and for everyone else, please comment to your hearts' content. the right people know that im serious, and that is all that really matters.
and john, not only are you going to have to forgive me for trying to steal your girlfriend, but for stealing so much of your webspace.
Posted by stetson at October 14, 2003 02:27 AM
Matt Lerro must find a place in his house for my drums... then Ted must hand them over.
In the meantime record your brains out.
number eight demos:
anima
antianima (with ammar!)
bothways
[untitled]
[untitled]
in a million years
matingcall
settingsundrmario
shit happens
three eleven you aint
where does the rain come from
youre fired
now reading: on the road
Ok this website needs more typical website stuff - I could do alot more shit but I never felt like it... this is more of an informational kinda site; I don't do badger mushroom snake or anything like that -
any requests?
ok i'm back
tommorow morning i have to take a test to get into the post office - so i remembered and came back early.
the apocolypse is coming -
socially speaking, within the following year alot of things are going to change and most of it is going to be very bad. I have seen forshadowing and recently things are getting in motion.
In MANY different social areas. (i'm not talking about just YOU)
i've made final decisions about two of the worst four - so I will talk to some - (as well as do some NOT talking to others) but for the most part I have no part in anything that will happen
it just surrounds me
There's been a hell of alot on my mind lately, and this morning sabrina woke me up after three hours of sleep and i'm all hungover from alcohol and amphetamine but i couldn't go back to sleep and last night was not only one of those nights that lasted for eternity, but I saw lindsey for the first time since spring or winter and me and megahn talked for a while, in a way that we haven't talked in a really long time - I saw some videos of bands from back in highschool like the screamers and flood and reef rash and october's lust - and I kicked gosia and ted in the shins - really hard.
I woke up this morning and felt like I need to see gina, so I'm going to rhode island.
i'll be back in a few days